Wrong If I Love Her

If I may choose, I want to live as normal as you. But you've given me a black stamp for the road I've chosen. Should I blame God? No! God is always good to me. Maybe you guys are often blasphemous and think I'm weird. So, if I love him, is it my fault? Love comes without me, love strikes me without being able to resist, then please understand me.

There's nothing wrong with me, I'm normal, less feminine, but people say I'm beautiful despite being born in a somewhat ravaged family sphere. My father left the mother, married three times and gave the children (who were directed to the muck mothers) to him.

Mother remarried to a man younger than her, about 12 years old. I used to think this is a natural thing, if love is not there anymore, then hatred is always appearing. Mother too, every father came home to visit me and her other children, he drove the father like a rotten dog with a rotten smell. "There, you live under the bridge, never come back here. During your life, you always bring trouble. Good thing I got a better husband than you. You're a loser! "

I looked and heard him casually. I feel the mother has turned into a formidable woman, a woman who no longer whines and cries when she finds out that he is married again. Mother is like feminists trying to change the situation that women are not merely women; they can no longer be unjustly treated in societies formed to prioritize men's point of view in which they are considered strong, weak women, more rational men and they are more emotional.

I saw the way that the mother's view of marriage had shifted, she began to abandon conventional marriages that had long been adored by her peer forces. So when twelve years later, I was surprised to see the crowd at home. Mother and Uncle Yan new mom's husband smiled at me and said that they had just legalized their marriage in civil records. My heart crumbled.

That means for twelve years the whispered neighbors sometimes talk about my mother's married life and Uncle Yan is right. For twelve years they lived together, they never married, they got together buffalo and this is very meaningful in my mind and my teenage spirit, so long as they live in the triangle of sin. Ah, I cried in the celebration of the inauguration of the marriage of Mother and Uncle Yan. There I was in turmoil. The influence of the inner wound that had quietly propagated in my heart shaped my personality. I always ask and ask, whether the love given to Uncle Yan mother is as sacred as when he fell in love with father first?

I thought of Simone de Beauvoir, a French feminist; women should follow family rules, tied to men from childhood, accustomed to seeing men as exemplary figures that would not be equal to her so that women can only dream and hope to transcend male superiority and consider themselves united with the ruling figure. Maybe that's what's in my mother's mind. Once disappointed with the father, he did not feel uncomfortable with the choice of living with Uncle Yan.

Sin has become white by thoughts formed by personal opinion and it is a kind of liberating the soul from guilt and fear of sin. But I was still confused by the situation, so when Uncle Yan offered me to go to Uncle Sam's school, precisely Los Angeles, California in America there, I accepted the offer with pleasure.

I have grown into a teenager with a posture that exceeds the size of a youngster my age, the Caucasian blood of the father passed down to me, making me different from other teenagers. And there I keep everything about love. Even Freud who says; sex encompasses love, subtlety, generosity, and sympathy, sex emerges as a natural phenomenon and generally occurs in humans and animals and love is the result of cultural development and can not be found in all human beings, in some way affects my development. The instinct of libido began to spread in all my veins. I brought that thought until I set foot in the small town of Camarillo about thirty miles from Los Angeles.

I bring the inner turmoil in my days. In the small town, everything changed. In addition to college, I worked as a housekeeper at the home of a seventy-year-old female professor. She is familiar to me. Kim Yo Ra, a mixture of Americans and Koreans. Mrs.

This unmarried Kim treats me affectionately. His excessive concerns I regard as his loneliness because he has neither children nor grandchildren. And someday, when his wrinkled hands are on my back, I still think of it as an expression of love he is about to channel. However, one day he called me and said, "Soon my age is over, the time will seize the time I have lived, I have no inheritors for all my assets and assets stored in the bank. My descendants are over in my generation. That's why I'll leave all my treasure to you, there's only the condition I ask, I wish you'd accept it. "

"What's that, Mrs. Kim? "

"Marry me!"

I was stuck. The harsh wind blowing through his window on Cervato Drive, piercing my eardrum.

"You must be surprised. But please, my life is at least a few years or a few more months, moreover last Sunday I was sentenced to bowel cancer, think with a calm Marjo! "

Too long indeed I'm weighing things that are good or bad, the memories of the marriage of mother and Uncle Yan still make my heart sliced. Another thing that became the reason I accepted his offer, my position as a student who should not work internship began to be known to the police. And one more important thing, on campus I fell in love with Jessica, an immigrant student from Bosnia. That girl just made me sober. And when she found out Mrs. Kim proposes to me, he looks sad. I convinced her to wait a few more years. Actually, this is an inhuman reason after I received the inheritance from Mrs. Kim, I and Jess are getting married in San Francisco, where the wedding is not complicated.

In the end, my love story with Jess was the same its 'excited' with the married life of Mother and Uncle Yan. Many people branded us mad, especially my family in Indonesia. My mother even told me not to go home because I considered having deviated from the rules that apply, I also have considered to violate the Scriptures and violate the ordinance of the customs of the people of the east. But in the beginning I've separated, if love comes, I can not oppose it, I can not refuse it. Love has an overwhelming influence to twist the feeling that grips the mind. The more I'm banned, my love for Jess gets stronger.

Mrs.Kim is finally gone. Like Jess's advice, I handed over all of her property to the Korean Embassy to distribute to the poor there. All I took was my salary while working there, and my status as her husband, I completely forgot. No physical touch, no compassion as long as I married him. Jess is my soul mate. He is always there in my days as long as I live a fairly heavy life in California. Yes, since I graduated from Business Administration, at Santa Monica Collge, I decided not to go back to Indonesia. In addition to not getting a green card, the picture of my country with a political situation full of corruption and the difficulty of getting a decent job makes me pessimistic and reluctant to return. The nearly 20 years of living in America made my mindset change.

When Jess managed to get a good lawyer to help me get a stay, I cried on her lap. "Now we can walk to Indonesia, you will meet with mother, Omku, and my brothers!"

Jess's tears floated. A month ago we had inaugurated our marriage, at a small chapel/church in San Frascio. The chapel does not question our status, the pastor knows I love Jess and Jess loves me too.

"Will they be able to accept our presence normally?" Jess asked, there was a note of concern in her eyes.

"I'm sure no, my mother cannot accept it. My country is almost puritan, religion is above everything. "

"Then?"

"Let this drama flourish. We will introduce our love slowly. I'm an adult, Mom will gradually accept our situation. "

"Drama?"

"Yes, like the Harry Potter story, we can not name Dumbledore the Devil Fucker directly. We have to keep it secret until they know it by themselves. They have not been able to accept our situation. We must dare to face it. "

Jessica cried. That was the last time I saw her so sad. A great love for her is in the wrong place. So when Mother and Uncle Yan greeted me at the Soekarno-Hatta airport, their faces were mediocre. I know they know about us. We're like ordinary friends, just like the deal I'm asking him; we have to play the drama!

The dart of love directed at me for a while is confusing. God has created women from male ribs. Because Adam had no one, God created a woman from his flesh. Reflect on all that. Is it true? I asked myself. And when I walk in a mall in downtown Jakarta with Jess, I still timidly hold her hand. San Francisco has given us freedom, but here, I have to move underground. Everything was secret, even mother, Uncle Yan, and my brothers were silent and silent.

"What's wrong with us? I love you and you love me. We are normal human adults. Love comes without us being able to prevent it "Jessica grumbled.

I was silent, a breezy drought that hit my city, making my throat dry and choked. "For Asians like me, there is a special, closed area known only to our people. I do not know how long they can accept this situation. Since Byzantine times people like us remain. The love I gave you can not cut with the social rules that apply in my country. Understand Jess, the most important thing in this world I love you. "

Jessica, in her clear blue eyes, with her smooth white skin as smooth as marble, murmuring softly, Marjorie I love you too, really! "And in the midst of the crowd of townspeople trying to feel the cold of AC in the mall, Jessica holds my hand gently. He did not dare kiss me, because if that happens, it will be an uproar the mall. They will probably expel us and it is considered to have violated the normal rules that apply to eastern society.

My love for Jessica is there but the people are forcing it to be nothing. I'm not defending myself, if you had a suggestion to slaughter my love for her, I do not think I could. Love has sped away from his bow, and I can not bear to release it, just as you can not leave your loved one or loved ones. If I am guilty in God's eyes, I beg God, God knows what I think. Let this sin I bear for myself. I fell in love with him, greatly! And that love dwells firmly in me, a woman's self ...

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